Breaking up isn’t merely hard to do, it’s downright brutal … that’s why so many of us avoid the inevitable!
A breakup can feel almost like a death. It’s the death of the hope of what could have been. You went into it with such high hopes of where it all would lead … and now you have to accept that maybe this is the end of the road.
Also, who actually wants to start all over again? Who wants to hop back into the dating ocean, get to know someone new, open up, figure out this person and how well you mesh, meet the family and friends, have them meet your family and friends, and so on. It just seems so much easier to stay where you are, with person you already know, notwithstanding how miserable you make one another.
This way of thinking causes far too many of us to stay in relationships that aren’t working for far too long. And there is a big cost to pay for this. How many of your days are you willing to squander? There is also a big blow to your self-esteem.
Being in a bad relationship can eat away at you and turn you into someone you barely know. You know you’re unhappy, but you try to convince yourself otherwise because it just seems easier.
One of the most important relationship skills is knowing when to stop hanging in there. Knowing when it’s not right. It isn’t ever the easy thing to do, but it is really your only option and you’re merely delaying the inevitable and cheating yourself out of happiness by not facing the truth.
So let’s look at some of the biggest signs the relationship is done and you should break up.
1. You’re Living on the good memories.
You’re not living in the current. You’re living in the past and comprising onto the memories of how great things used to be. Nevermind the fact that things haven’t been good in a very long time. Once upon a time you got along, you were madly in love, you laughed and enjoyed each other.
You know things could be good because they were good. But how long will you hang onto these memories? When do you accept that the shiny past no longer exists and all you have is a gloomy present?
2. You don’t Like yourself.
This is one of the biggest signs that this relationship isn’t working. Bad relationships have a way of turning us into bad versions of ourselves, into the worst versions of ourselves. Whereas we started off confident, happy, and full of light , now we’re insecure, angry, and full of darkness. You can’t recollect the last day you smiled genuinely or felt genuinely happy.
You know this isn’t you. This unhappy, uninspired, miserable person is a shadow of your former self. So why do you stay? Because of how much you like him. Or how much you think you like him.
A good relationship usually brings out our best. In the process, we are sometimes forced to confront our worst traits, but overall, we feel seen and heard. We seem loved for who we are and this is invigorating and encourages our true selves to shine. Bad relationships do exactly the opposite. So forget about your feelings for your partner, ask yourself how you feel about you.
3. He isn’t trying to make it run.
In order for a relationship to work, two people need to be committed to making it study. One person can’t carry the team.
If he doesn’t seem to care about fixing things or he tells you everything is fine as it is and if “you’ve got a problem” then it’s your problem or he won’t work with you to make things better, then there isn’t much you can do.
Relationships take work. They’re like flowers. They need adoration, attention, and nourishment or they’ll wither and die. If he isn’t willing to put anything in, then there isn’t much to hold onto.
4. You feel drained.
Being around your partner doesn’t feel good anymore and it hasn’t for a very long time. You don’t feel uplifted, excited, or inspired. You feel like you’ve been through an emotional war. You feel drained and depleted like you have nothing left to give.
You know the feeling. That’s that sensation of utter hopelessness and hopelessness because no amount of trying seems to be getting you anywhere positive.
5. You are both full of rancor.
Resentment is absolute poison for a relationship. It may creep in gradually over day, but will rapidly multiply and take you both over if left unchecked.
A buildup of a bitternes is a strong sign that communication has fully broken down. You can’t express your needs to him in a healthy behavior because he doesn’t hear it, and vice versa. What stops you from hearing it is a wall of resentment that has built up over hour. Instead of hearing each other out, you think, “Well why should I do anything for him when he can’t even XYZ for me? ”
When disagreements originate, which they do with increasing frequency, you fight dirty. Battles are a chance to let all your aggression and bitterness run wild and it all comes out. Instead of trying to reach a resolution, an arguing causes farther dissolution. As a make, you may continue having the same fights over and over, spinning round and round in this toxic circle.
6. Your friends and family think you should break up.
Your close friends and family usually know the truth. Now the question is how willing are you to listen to what they have to say?
You may find you don’t tell the truth about your relationship to anyone. When you talk about the relationship, you leave out key details because you know how bad it will sound, and you know what the other person is going to say and you only don’t want to hear it. And if anyone says something even slightly negative about your relationship, you get disproportionately defensive. That’s because the truth reaches us harder than any misconception.
7. You feel like you’re walking on eggshells.
You can’t just relax and just be. You’re always anxious and on edge. Your relationship feels like a minefield. A step in the wrong direction and there’s an explosion. You’re afraid to do or say almost anything because everything was turned into a fight.
You seem physically ill the majority of the time. There’s a perpetual lump in your throat and knot in your belly and you are in a hyper-vigilant state, waiting for the next explosion.
8. You’re settling for what you don’t want.
This is one of the more common scenarios. You’re in a situation that isn’t what you crave and you stay … hope at some point in time it will transform into the magical, loving relationship you’ve always dreamed of. For example, perhaps you crave a certain degree of commitment and he patently tells you he can’t give it to you … but you stay, hoping he’ll change his mind.
We can maintain ourselves shackled to all sorts of horrible situations while clinging to the hope of what could be and this is always, ever a huge waste of time.
9. You cling tightly to “as soon as…”
This ties into the previous one. You aren’t living in the present, you are living in some idyllic future.
The only thing really keeping you in the relationship is the phrase “As soon as.” Everything will be fine as soon as he gets his depression under control … as soon as he isn’t so stressed at work … as soon as his family drama resolves … as soon as he’s ready to commit. You need to look at the situation as is , not what it will be as soon as …
10. You are wholly incompatible.
Chemistry cannot override incompatibility, and yet so many people envision a lusty sex life is all you need to survive as a pair! I don’t care how good the sex is, if you are incompatible, it will not work. If you have different values, different life goals, and are unable to fulfill each other’s fundamental needs, this relationship will not last.
Love doesn’t conquer all and it definitely doesn’t defeat incompatibility, despite what romantic comedies would have you believe. You need to identify what it is you want and need in life. What are your goals and values? What is your eyesight for the future? If he isn’t on the same page and his eyesight vastly differs from yours then you need to accept that this just isn’t a match and no sum of hammering away is going to make it fit.
Read more: thoughtcatalog.com